Talking to children about a parent's behavior

Children need stability and age-appropriate honesty. They do not need the details of a parent's sexual behavior: not now, not later, and not as leverage. Children generally know something is wrong long before anyone tells them, and being told nothing is its own harm. The honest minimum is usually the right amount.

This page covers what children actually need to hear, how that changes with age, and the mistakes that are easiest to make in the worst months.

What children need to hear

Whatever their age, children are usually asking a few unspoken questions. Am I safe? Is this my fault? Will my life change? Do my parents still love me? A good conversation answers those, briefly and truthfully, and does not go much further.

• Something real is happening. Acknowledge it. Pretending everything is fine teaches a child not to trust what they can see.
• It is not their fault, and it is not theirs to fix.
• They are safe, and the adults are handling it.
• What will stay the same, as concretely as you can: school, home, routines, people.
• Both parents love them, where that is true and safe to say.

What they do not need is the nature of the behavior, the details, or anything sexual.

How it changes with age

These are general guides. You know your children, and a clinician can help you fit this to yours.

Young children. Short, simple and concrete. "Mom and Dad are working on a grown-up problem. It's not because of anything you did. You're safe, and we both love you." Then routine, which reassures a young child more than words do.

School-age children. A little more, still without detail. "Dad made some choices that hurt our family, and he's getting help. We're working on it." They may ask questions; brief, true answers are better than either evasion or explanation.

Teenagers. Teenagers often know, or suspect, more than adults realize, and they notice evasion quickly. They deserve more honesty, still without sexual details. They may have strong reactions, including anger at one parent, and that is allowed. If a teenager has seen something, or found something themselves, that is a conversation to have with care and often with professional help.

Who tells them, and how

Where it is possible and safe, children do best when both parents agree on what will be said and say it together, or at least say the same thing. Mismatched stories put children in the position of deciding who to believe.

That takes planning, which is hard in the middle of a crisis. It is one of the clearest places where a clinician helps: working out in advance what will be said, by whom, and how to answer the questions that follow.

If a joint conversation is not possible or not safe, the principles still hold. Say less, keep it true, and leave the other parent out of it rather than speaking against them.

The mistakes that are easiest to make

• Using children as confidants. Telling a child more than they need because you need someone to talk to. Find adult support instead; children should not carry this.
• Using information as leverage. Telling children the details to turn them against the other parent. It harms them, and it rarely does what the parent hopes.
• Asking them to keep secrets. From the other parent, from family, from friends. Secrets are part of what injured the family; children should not be asked to hold more.
• Saying nothing at all. Silence leaves children to fill the gap themselves, usually with something worse than the truth, and often with the idea that it is their fault.
• Explaining too much, too early. Children cannot un-know what they are told. The conversation can always go further later. It cannot go back.

Over time

This is rarely one conversation. Children come back to it as they grow, and teenagers in particular may want more understanding later. That is normal, and it can be met as it comes, with the same principles: honest, age-appropriate, and never the details of a parent's sexual behavior.

If children show signs of distress, such as changes in sleep, school, friendships or mood, a therapist who works with children can help. Protecting children during discovery and recovery covers what to watch for, and the situations where a safety concern needs professional involvement immediately.

Getting support with this

These conversations are much easier with a clinician who has helped other partners through them. The Partner & Family Program treats you as a client in your own right, with your own intake and your own clinician. Call (512) 877-8616.

If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. In Texas, suspected abuse or neglect of a child can be reported to the Texas Abuse Hotline at 1-800-252-5400. If you are in immediate danger or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988, the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24 hours a day, or call 911.